I had a lovely dream yesterday.. In the dream I was expecting, and no doubt, my husband and I were simply ecstatic. It was a miracle, and we were totally unprepared for the surprise. Nonetheless, we were both over the moon as our earnest prayers had been answered.
Scene changed. I was with my family. Even though I’d recently discovered I was pregnant, the first thought on my mind was to go shopping for khimars to wear over the abaya. A khimar refers to a very long piece of cloth that drapes all the way from the head to the hands. At present, the veil I wear isn’t particularly long, it just comes below my chest. Obviously, I wear the niqab (i.e. a garment which covers my face), so my body is fully covered either ways, but if I wish to hide my bump, a khimar would be essential.
When I woke up, I wondered what it would feel like if my dream actually came true. It’s said that a mother doesn’t just carry her child in her womb for 9 months, she carries him/her in her heart for her lifetime. How would it be to experience motherhood?
My husband had a second course of the same medicine which the hakim had given him before, he was asked to do a semen analysis after completing the course. He was willing, but I told him to do it after a couple of months as my heart is too weak to take another disappointment. I’m just surviving on hope and prayers, for now.
Lots of people I know recently had babies, so, it just makes me immensely sad that I have been denied this divine gift of nature. How great it would be to be in total command of your own body, plan a family whenever you want.
Many times, my husband and I discuss how different our life would have been if he had not undergone the hernia surgery which led to him getting azoospermia. He calls it the biggest mistake of his life. Unfortunately, there’s no reverse surgery for it. There’s a very complicated process with very low success rate, so no andrologist recommends it. The only option left for us is geeting IVF with ICSI done, which I’m not particularly keen of, at the moment. Not before we’ve exhausted every route of alternative medicine.
The Almighty has said that there’s a cure for every disease, and if the right medicine is taken, the disease is cured by the will of God. So, I’m constantly on the lookout for an effective , non-invasive cure for azoospermia and also, my messy cycle.
Earlier this week, I spent a couple of hours shopping online for cute outfits to gift my neice and nephew. I felt happy and sad at the same time doing that. On the one hand, it was very exciting to chose outfits from a wide variety for the little munchkins, it felt really satisfying but I was internally sad that I didn’t have any babies of my own so that I could shop to my heart’s content and dress them the way I wished.
I had purchased a cute frock with little pajamas a couple of years earlier which I’d kept in my suitcase. I’d saved it for my own daughter as I had fallen in love with it, but now, with a heavy heart, I’ve decided to gift it too, as I don’t know when I’ll be the bearer of any good news. If I do have a baby girl, then, I’ll buy new clothes for her.
So, my infertility journey continues. Ultimately, it’s only God who can turn things right from wrong… I just need to keep holding on.